May I have another piece of coal for the fire, sir?

Ok, this is talent: Playing 5 degrees between ICP and Christmas. Seriously, though, I understand that ICP is about as highbrow as Beavis and Butthead, still, I can find a few songs that have some redeeming value. Though they are now most famous for wondering how magnets work there is one of their songs, done in conjunction with the cottonmouth kings called Pumpkin Carver.

Yes, yes, yes, it is festive in much more a Jack Skellington way than a Kris Kringle way, but my favorite  lines are:

What? You don’t like this rhyme?
I can’t be on point all the time.
F#@% it’s Halloween!
I gotta make a living somehow,
I’m a professional pumpkin sculptor.

Yeah I know, I know, it’s not Shakespeare, but this is exactly how I feel, sometimes. Until my books really take off (did you know if you buy them on after-Christmas clearance it still counts!) I still have to keep a day job. Of course it’s retail, and of course this means I lose the six weeks before and two weeks after Christmas because I’m putting in super-mega-overtime.  That means that even on Christmas day, one of five days off over the last five weeks, I am looking at an old blog post, and my hands itch for the traitorous laptop that will only expose my taxed and empty brain to the world. It’s the holidays, and I feel like my blog has been stagnant too long, but I can’t be on point all the time!

That is why I bring you this:


  • Take 1 turkey – thaw completely.
  • Put in a turkey tray.
  • LIGHTLY score the skin, do not cut down to the meat, just slit the skin so that as it bakes, the fat can run out. This is best done with an extremely sharp knife which is pressed with the flat side against the skin and then pulled sharply.
  • Put in an oven preheated to 500 degrees (yep, 500, not a misprint. Trust me.)
  • Wait 25-30 minutes until it starts to brown.
  • Remove from oven.
  • Put vegetable mix into the tray surrounding the turkey. I like to pile it high since the veggies will naturally shrink as their water content is turned into steam. Personally I go with quartered mushrooms, chunked carrots, sliced onions, chunked potatoes, and celery rods. You can do stuffing as well, but I like crispy stuffing made outside the turkey rather than inside.
  • Salt veggies and add 1 can chicken broth. (If your bird is moist, or you plan to tent the thing with foil, skip it.
  • Baste turkey with high smoke point oil… peanut being my favorite but any will do.
  • Take 2 ounces of NATURAL bacon bits (not the brick red soy-bits) and sprinkle them all over the veggies and turkey.
  • Sprinkle the whole deal with 6 cloves of garlic, minced fine.
  • (Cover with foil if you fear a dry bird or have no chicken broth.) If you have a probe thermometer, this is the time to use it.
  • Bake as normal. (This being 15 minutes per pound at a MUCH LOWER temp than 500 degrees, 350 being my preference.)
  • Cut and enjoy!

This is the best turkey I have ever had, and should serve your hunk of poultry proud.

Enjoy everyone, and Merry Christmas and a Happy new year.




From 12/25/2010 through 01/02/2011, readers can take 20% off all Mundania Press, LLC ebook and print titles purchased directly from the Mundania Press website. At checkout, use discount code: SANTA.

Might I make a suggestion?





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s