The one where I get a little… nasty

A few days ago I asked an old friend to post my rant on his blog. I told myself its because he runs a political blog and I do not. I told myself because it was done in his style, and it was a homage to him. In reality, I think I am afraid. You know what? Someone else I talked to this week reminded me that courage in the face of no gale, is not really courage. I want to give special thanks to Joe Wahler for… well everything over the last 20 years. And for teaching me that I don’t have to scream: I can laugh.

Here is the post, re-edited, because I can never leave anything alone.

There is a post out called:

Why I Am Not a Libertarian

Pretty popular in fact. You can find it everywhere, with people singing its praises. Why is a question for another day.

You see, it really should be titled differently. It’s not that it’s a far-far-far-leftist screed, the kind of horrible bastion of half truths and outright lies that are indicative of Marxists. It is that he claims to be a Leftist, and a Progressive. He pulls these words around him like a sheepskin, seeking to use honest Democrats as a shield, hoping they will rise up with him to defend against attack. It offends me, since I think his presence in their lines diminishes them. We can have honest debates amongst thinking men and women. What we cannot do is debate the completely intellectually and morally bankrupt, especially when all sources are contested, no points are ever acknowledged, and the word fact takes on a rather strained air. This guy spins so far left he drills holes in his sleep.

He advocates the removal of all property, except for that which is delegated by a governmental body. He advocates the supremacy of the state, and its needs over the individual. He wants you, me, everyone to become tools in the hands of faceless bureaucrats. And make no mistake, everywhere this has been tried it has given license to monsters like Che Guevara, Stalin, and Mao. Hundreds of millions of human beings have died – not in the name of his perfect society – but because of it. They were necessary grease that had to be applied to the treads in order for it to function. And he wants it here.

There is no word for how incredibly stupid this is. I am simply glad that he can stand on his roof and bellow how much of an intellectual giant it makes him, so far above us. At least now we know he’s coming.

There are very few ways to attack his arguments directly, because it is not allowed. Make no mistake, they are easily disproven and full of lies, but the use of actual facts leave no scratch on belief such as this. He creates his own (as I point out below) with astonishing frequency. Instead, I have sought to point out the rats in the walls of his grand cathedral of Marxism using logic and common sense. Statistics can be faked dependent on sources, and even some sources can be disputed, but logic cannot be stopped by any armor, be it innuendo, falsehood, or comedy.

That being said, I have mocked him, and did it mercilessly. And I did it because it I am tired of being attacked by know-nothing ivory-tower intellectuals, to the point where I am ready to respond in kind to their language of mockery…

Plus it was fun.

And I feel I should be paid – like a lifeguard – to point some of this out, so I took my filthy lucre in the form of fun. Joe taught me to laugh and I am laughing.

Stripped of all the intellectual claptrap, the strawmen, and given a huge dose of honesty, it should have read much differently. It should have read like this:

Why I Am an Unthinking, Thief, Liar, and Supporter of Mass Murder.

Of all the political movements out there, Marxists have the stupidest rhetoric. No matter what the issue is, they get to talk about how you are too stupid to live with freedom, how things would be better if you just did what you were told, and how impossible it is for anyone to do anything for themselves because of what utter dullards you all are.

It’s also the perfect belief system. If you don’t believe that, we will convince you as people across the world have been convinced: with gulags and firing squads. You don’t need to actually need to come up with a logical argument, you just need to spout a lot of end of the world crap that gives people the idea that a Giant Nanny what Knows Best can come in and save you. You just need to understand the One Big Idea That Solves Everything: Despite all of recorded history Government is Not Bad. Remember Hurricane Katrina? We handled the crap out of that one, right? Confiscate life, redistribute property, break contracts, pick winners and losers, — and take over the means of production to ensure that the biggest donors win.

And trust me, no matter how much I call myself a progressive — a liberal, whatever — the moment I claim that I have to shake my head at how often I’m tempted to quote Marx you should know I am an idiot. What happened? Measles as an adult? Perhaps one too many drug binges. Maybe I was dropped on my head. Perhaps someone created a black hole inside my self esteem. Perhaps I’m just unable to cogitate, for more than ten seconds without someone whispering in my ear to tell me what exactly to think. After all, that’s what I think of you.

Here, let me show you how badly my logic blows chunks. I will bring up specific examples about how badly I have crashed my intellectual self into a wall by telling you what I -and other horrible pimples on the ass of political thought- really think. Sometimes I will even tell you about how that will horribly fail, but only by accident. And if you call me on it I will make sure to mock you as a liar and an intellectual poopy pants. I may call you a terrorist, a hobbit, or a racist. That usually works.

First, I am going to call Libertarianism a sweeping worldview (keeping in mind I am arguing for wholesale COLLECTIVISM. Yes, yes, I know. Pots and Kettles and all that. Still, baseless attacks are becoming harder and harder to come by. Blame my teachers for not knowing how to argue like an adult).

You are forbidden to ask if sweeping worldviews are bad. Also, worldviews are supposed to be sweeping. Otherwise, they would likely be called something else: Countryviews, countyviews. Townviews even. Ok, just remember, sweeping worldview is bad, unless it is mine, and I’ll just leave that hanging in the air.

Now, let me give you some things to be swallowed. DO NOT CHEW. You will not like the ‘chocolate’ center.

Ooooh wait, progressives will think I’m cool if I sidetrack into an attack on Christianity!

Grrr…bad Christians. They suck. I am so much smarter. Bible bad. Dates did not match up and suddenly my impenetrable wall of faith collapsed. The failure was obviously in the book. My faith was perfect. Grrrr. I have much better arguments. I… I just won’t take the time to list them here. (Now move along!)

Plague. In 1918, the Spanish flu devastated populations. The US government instituted TYRANNY. This was good, since it stopped the plague. Thus: TYRANNY IS GOOD. Now, try to imagine a Libertarian approach to a serious plague. I don’t think there is one. Maybe most people would respond to sensible leadership (Oh CRAP! I just admitted Libertarianism is sensible… quick, gotta move on, gotta move on) but public health is one of those areas where a few people with freedom to pursue screwy ideas can mess up everybody.

See? People are too STUPID for freedom.

I am tempted again to quote Marx. Didn’t he say something about: “DO NOT INVESTIGATE HOW MARXISM DEALS WITH ECONOMIES!” I am certain he did.

Marxism fails on a 24/7 basis for every facet of life, but it is PERFECT for the common outbreak of contagion that happens every 100-years or so. Ooooooh, we’re due for another, right? Cling to Marxism, kids. Besides, you have a RIGHT to know what a bread line is like! We can make vodka cheap, and who doesn’t like a good blackout drunk?

Global warming. There’s a reason why small-government candidates deny global warming: It’s a fraud! Denial of data manipulation, constant ad homenim attacks, and screaming that science is about consensus rather than data, these are the best ways to confirm that you must bow down to my desires and ensure that you stay in your place. After all, I’m not giving up my car, computer, or home.

I am tempted again to quote Marx. Ah, yes: “Sacrifice is for peons, like you.” The Great Al Gore taught us this: Mansions and private jets are for Believers. The rest of you can wallow in filth.

Property. Now let’s get to that more serious confiscation… er… reframing.

I had to live outside the Libertarian worldview for many years before I began to grasp the deeper problem with it: property. Every property system in history (and all the ones I’ve been able to imagine) are unjust. I don’t get to give away your property just because I want to! I can’t take it or limit it, no matter how much phony science or failed social programs I inflict upon you.

I want to take it from YOU, the person who ‘earned’ it to put it in greedy terms, and give it to others. Now these TOTALLY won’t be given to unions, big business donators, or green jobs that turn out to be made of  Imaginattium, fantasticanium, or bullshittium. They will be well spent on things you hate, and things you can’t stop, because I know better than you. What you labor for belongs to EVERYONE.

I am tempted again to quote Marx. Hmmm… let me see… “Your labor belongs to everyone. Thus your time belongs to everyone. Thus YOU belong to everyone. And by everyone I mean the government and by government I mean Elites like me.”

No, this is not slavery, don’t be silly.

What’s Good for the Goose is Demanded by the Gander. What? My Property? Go to hell, thief! That’s mine! I get to keep it as an intellectual and an elite! I pay enough taxes. I will not donate my 401K, nor most of my earnings. I earned those dollars, and are thus worth so much more than yours. You must pay more in order to fund what I think is right.

[Aside: This is where I make a wild statement like: it’s completely false to say that government programs primarily benefit the poor. I should go one with: Property is a creation of government, so the primary beneficiaries of government are the people who own things — the rich.

Now, I’m not going to back this up, or even if anyone has made this argument, OR if anyone could shoot it full of holes simply by saying: Libertarians don’t mind giving to those in need, as long as they are actually in need. I’m not even going to look at what the welfare state has done to the family units of the poor. That’s the best thing about being a Marxist tool, I don’t have to do nuthin but sling mud.]

Just a second, let me quote Marx “I don’t have to justify a thing to you plebeians. The proof is I use the word plebains. I even know what it means and I can spell plebeans right nearly half the time!”

Property and Labor. It’s worthwhile to go back and read the justifications of property that were given in the early days of capitalism. The best thing is I can then use Christian charity as a reason for theft. I think Christians are idiots (see above. Grrrr…). You see, I can crap all over them when I want, and then use Charity as a reason they should believe in me! It’s win-win. I completely ignore that charity has to be voluntary. I brush aside the fact that I just made fun of Libertarians for quoting dead white guys just a moment ago. Now I get to do it myself!

I can take John Locke’s 1690 classic The Second Treatise of Civil Government out of context to prove whatever I want. Marx again: “Remember: Sources are only allowed if I can use them. Any quote that disproves me is wrong.”

Oh, I am so smart.

Today, a baby abandoned in a dumpster has as valid a moral claim to the Earth as anybody else. But as that child grows it will find that in fact everything of value has already been claimed. All of it. There is no more gold to be dug, no more goods to be made, nothing. Nothing is made today and nobody works in the service industry (Marx makes exemption for the SEIU). And if a cute, little, harmless BABY can’t find any work, what chance do you have?


Nothing for you.


Do not try.




I mean there is no documented evidence that hard work, innovation, or education has any effect on wealth. Yes, you should still go to college: The unions need your funds. Plus, how else will you get your indoctrination?

And worse yet, you have to PERFORM to get ahead. You can’t go down to the Ford plant and start working on your new car. You have to be hired first. OH the horror! You must work to gain a trade good (like cash) in order to purchase something instead of stealing it like a good Marxist. I reccommend face masks and Molotov cocktails.

Now, there may be a dozen car factories, and thousands of other jobs, and even the opportunity to open your own shop, store, or factory, but trust me, we Marxists are working on that. As soon as we can, we are eliminating all work, all property, and of course profit. For you. The little people. You monsters.

Marx fairly leaps from my mouth, and lo! He sayeth: “Now go eat the government cheese.”

Access to the means of production. In Locke’s hunter-gatherer state of Nature, only laziness could keep an able-bodied person poor, -well that or sickness, predators, inclement weather, or the common cold- but here we focus on the means of production — Nature — was just sitting there waiting for human labor to turn it into the crappiest kind of property. Now there are billions of people. These people create a massive draw for products or services, BUT THEY DO NOT EXIST! IGNORE THEM! DO NOT TRY TO FILL THEIR WANTS OR NEEDS!

Marx:”That would lead to entrepreneurialism, and thus profit, and PROFITS ARE BAD! GIVE THEM HERE!”

Today’s economic environment is very different, but our intuitions haven’t kept up. Our anxiety today isn’t that there won’t be enough goods in the world, and it isn’t fear that our own laziness will prevent us from working to produce those goods. Our fear is that the owners of the means of production won’t grant us access, so we will never have the opportunity to apply our labor. And if you didn’t fear it before, you do now! (Swish! I am so good at sewing fear!) We Marxists ignore that the elite have no right to that property, to those goods or services. It belongs to us. By us, we mean me

Let me put this clearer: Marxism has been tried, and it creates misery, poverty and death even in a tropical paradise like Cuba. So you should definitely trust me when I say I should be able to talk about jobs without any kind of sources. Trust me when I promise that you will starve unless we take control of production and FORCE THEM to give you a unionized job at a fair market wage… minus all the taxes we can cut out of you.

MARX TIME: “Trust me, I’m from the government and I know what I am doing.”

Justice. Access to the means of production should be a human birthright, as long as it doesn’t belong to me. Everyone ought to have the chance to turn his or her labor into products that he or she could own, as long as it is government approved and environmentally sound, and I get them free. I don’t care if you go to school for twenty years to study a dangerous or in-depth job. You should be paid no more than a sausage stuffer, or ditch digger, or government sanctioned manure relocator. Me? No, I don’t give back everything more than minimum wage out of my paychecks. I deserve anything I can earn. I’m better than you.

Now, I have to ignore that buying power has skyrocketed since the founding of My Country. <Note to self: Spew Marxist claptrap here. It has been disproven many times, but that just means I have to repeat it more! Bridge into class warfare…>

Just remember that there are always people who own more than you do, and because of that, you can always complain and moan that nothing is fair, because nobody deserves anything they build or work for – except me. This is called Marxism.

And despite the standard of living increasing everywhere capitalism is found, and cratering everywhere people like me hold sway, you must believe higher productivity means higher unemployment, and the average person’s standard of living decreases even as total wealth increases. Remember, history does not lie: Libertarians do!

The role of government. I anticipate this objection: “You want to go back to being hunter-gatherers. We’ll all starve.” This is what is called a “Straw man” attack. Nobody is going to say this, but I am going to CLAIM they will in order to not address any of the real complaints against my ill thought out and near religious devotion to communism. Marxists call this: Plan ‘A’.

I want a modern economy. But one where property rights have been erased and all wealth is redirected to merciful government programs – no matter how wasteful – and of course, to our supporters and lackeys. And special elites.

Like me.

This will both compensate those who are still ‘shut out’, and build a system where we cannot ever be voted out since everyone will require our help to survive. Marxists call this ‘freedom’.

To prevent government from: taking everything you own; allowing you a pittance to survive upon; punish you for hard work and berating you for trying to better yourself; in today’s world, is no way to champion freedom. Quite the opposite, preventing the government from controlling you is what Marxists call ‘tyrannical’.

Please make a note of the new definitions. There will be a test. If you have ever read what happens in Marxist societies, you know:

“The grading curve in a gulag is a real killer.” –Marx


I wish I could credit this.
Hat off to original creator.

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